3rd to 5th of May 2002
Small Island in the med
Lads
The Chief
The Chief Mong
Robert White
Alex Banks
Andy Fairclough
Ollie Morris-Adams
Nigel Toussaint
Charlie Charles 'Floyd' Stewart-Liberty
Aiden Cooney
Ted Brassey
Jim Ulph
Mrs Chief
Mrs Mong
Alex Paterson
Rachael Kann-Reuter
Lougi Puglesi
Bernaise Fairlcough
Amy Morris-Adams
Veronica Copeman
Nicky Winter
40 overs each
The Tuaregs arrived in Mahon on their first ever tour. The chief had somehow assembled a true Tuareg team of mongs and cricketers for this, their first overseas adventure.
On arrival in Mahon it became apparent that the tour could easily end in disaster. Tropical rain was lashing all parts of the island and the prospect of cricket was looking very unlikely. The weary travellers fought through the thunderstorms and arrived at their hotel with thoughts of the luxuries within.
However the local hotelier had clearly not employed **pier Construction because half of the rooms were under renovation and 6 brave warriors had to be housed in a luxury villa down the road at no extra cost..(Luxury is a relative term in Menorca)
The Chief feared a lynching but was able to distract the mighty warriors and their harem with a vast lunch, starting at 11.30! Lunch turned to dinner, the rain continued to pour and Tuaregs drank the night away.
We were met by the very charming and welcoming MCC on our arrival at the ground. Many of them were over 50 and some looked very familiar (we were later to find out that most of them had appeared on crime watch at some point over the years)
The chief, in confident mood, lost the toss and was asked to field. The Tuaregs then proceeded to put together one of the worst fielding performances ever known. Most of this noble tribe was still pissed from the night before and could neither catch, field nor bowl. One over from Aiden Cooney (a good bowler normally) contained 7 wides and his spell of 3 overs went for 32 runs…
After a very embarrassing 40 overs, the MCC making 240 runs, the Tuaregs retired to the magnificent clubhouse for tea. The MCC have a beautiful ground and made all the facilities themselves. So it was of no surprise that talk soon turned to building needs and the importance of access to a reliable and efficient builder;
N**ier Construction: Whether a patio or fellatio, N**ier’s prices will fit your ratio.
After tea thoughts turned to victory until some toxic individual (probably Paterson) pointed out that the Tuaregs had never made 240 runs in a season let alone one innings.
This prediction proved to be precise as the hapless and now hung-over Tuaregs were bowled out for 123. There were some pieces of encouragement and hilarity. Ted Brassey scored a lusty 35 and Rob White was run out for a duck. This was a truly wonderful moment as Rob has a long history of running other people out. In fact, it is fair to say he has run out more Tuaregs than any of our opposition.
After a rather embarrassing presentation ceremony, where the Tuaregs received a wonderful framed picture (we gave them a T-shirt), we retired to nightlife of Menorca to drown our sorrows and plot our revenge for match the next day.
The MCC had arrived with the same team and after winning the toss put the Tuaregs into bat. They clearly wanted to finish early.
After 10 overs this prospect was looking increasingly likely. The Tuaregs had sunk to 25-5!!!! The opening pair of Rob White and Alex Paterson were already back in the pavilion with Rob having made another duck!!
In strode the Chief and was greeted by the ever polite Ted Brassey. The full realisation of this prospective humiliation was staring at them from the score board.. How could they fly several thousand miles and be so comprehensively beaten. Even the Tuaregs followers, who normally relish failure and fiasco, would be aghast.
So the Chief and Ted started to grind and nurdle adding single after single. For over after over they batted, slowly accumulating runs to the pitiful total. Paterson and White were at the bar praying for their team, but only on the proviso that the Chief didn’t make any runs! At 117 the chief was finally out for a very dull 24 but Ted was still at the crease with 10 overs to go. The recovery had begun.
Finally, after 40 mesmerizing overs the Tuaregs had scored 165 with Ted having made 97! (No Tuareg has ever made a century). The fires were roaring and victory was in our grasp.
During tea the MCC were asking us about our sponsor. We explained about his generosity and how it had been a worthwhile project for him to endorse the magnificent Tuaregs. There has never been any question he has not made money out of the venture.
The Tauregs then took to the field, it was a unique opportunity to compensate for their previous disasters and failings.
The Taureg wicket-keeper, Rob White, set the early tone by dropping their best batsmen before he had scored. In fact Whitey was a complete disaster behind the stumps. He dropped three straightforward catches and was soon being referred to as ‘cymbals’ Whitey.
Our poor bowlers had to find other ways to get the opposition out. But they rallied and all ended up bowling brilliantly. Aiden redeemed himself and Andy Fairclough got a wicket with his first ball (not ‘caught behind’). Even Alex Paterson was able to bowl at considerable pace. Normally the batsman have enough time for a fag and cup of coffee before Al’s delivery reaches him, but on this magnificent day it was just the fag.
Eventually after 40 amazing overs the Tuaregs claimed victory by bowling out the MCC for 140. It was an incredulous result. We had ended up squaring the series when all appeared lost. The MCC did appear to be rather gutted although their good nature and hospitable spirit prevented any bad feeling.
That night, during the victory celebrations, the Tuaregs voted on three categories of tribesmen for tour awards;
Ted Brassey was voted ‘Tour Hero’ for his cricket contribution without which the Tuaregs would have lost spectacularly.
And finally Rob White, after a close contest with Alex Paterson, was awarded the Tuaregs most prestigious and sought after award of ‘Tour Mong’. This was after failing to score any runs at all and dropping several easy catches. Well done Whitey..
That night we retired back to hotel, had our own party and danced the night away before being evicted by the hotlier..It was a truly excellent tour.
Finally one big thanks to all the tourists for their contributions, no matter how small (Tous in his posing pouch springs to mind)
Roll on the 2002 season. Book now to avoid disappointment.
The Chief